THE TRILLION-DOLLAR ROLL: DICEBREAKER ENTERPRISES ACQUIRES APPLE INC.

Posted in: Empire Chronicles | Reading time: 16 minutes

BREAKING: SNOW WHITE TAKES A BITE OF THE APPLE IN HISTORIC $3.2 TRILLION ACQUISITION

In a twist that would make even the Brothers Grimm dizzy, DiceBreaker Enterprises CEO Rachel Zegler has successfully acquired Apple Inc. for $3.2 trillion in what financial analysts are calling "the most poetic corporate acquisition in history." The deal, negotiated entirely within Apple Park's cafeteria over a series of increasingly complex dice games, marks the first time a company has been valued partially based on "aesthetic karma" and "accumulated design snobbery."

"People keep asking about the symbolism," Zegler said, holding up a golden apple with a bite taken out of it during the announcement. "Snow White, poisoned apple, trillion-dollar tech company—honestly, the jokes write themselves. But the real poison was Apple charging $999 for a monitor stand. Now that's evil queen behavior."

Tim Cook, who will retain his position but with the new title "Fairest Supply Chain Manager of Them All," appeared at the announcement wearing a custom Apple Watch band made entirely of tiny dice. "Rachel rolled a natural 20 when proposing this deal. In that moment, I realized our entire minimalist aesthetic was just fear of chaos. We're ready to Think Different... ly random."

THE NEGOTIATION: DESIGNED BY APPLE IN CALIFORNIA, DECIDED BY DICE IN CHAOS

The acquisition began when Zegler attempted to integrate DiceBreaker's emotional AI robots with Apple's ecosystem, only to discover it would require seventeen different dongles and a subscription to Apple Dice+.

"I was trying to connect our robot to a Mac, and it needed a USB-C to Lightning to Emotion adapter that didn't exist," Zegler recalled. "So I called Tim and said, 'This would be easier if I just owned Apple.' He laughed. I rolled dice. He stopped laughing."

The negotiation process was unlike any in corporate history:

Day 1: The Design Challenge Apple's team presented a 406-slide Keynote about why the acquisition was impossible. DiceBreaker countered with a single dice roll. The dice won.

Day 2: The Jony Ive Hologram Incident Apple summoned a holographic Jony Ive to explain the company's soul. DiceBreaker's emotional AI robot HAPPY-7 made the hologram cry by asking, "But what if products had actual personality instead of just aluminum?" Negotiations intensified.

Day 3: The Great Dongle Rebellion Zegler brought a bag containing every Apple dongle ever made and dumped them on the conference table. "This," she said, "is why you need us." Cook reportedly nodded and asked, "What's your vision?"

Day 4: The Dice Keynote DiceBreaker presented their vision for Apple in the style of an Apple keynote, complete with:

• "One more thing..." (it was more dice)

• Unnecessary dramatic pauses

• A video where Jony Ive's voice describes the "revolutionary courage" of chaos

• The thinnest dice ever made (they didn't work, but they looked amazing)

Day 5: The Final Roll The boards agreed to let fate decide. Zegler rolled for Apple. Cook rolled for independence. Zegler's five consecutive natural 20s caused Cook's Apple Watch to register it as a "miraculous workout achievement."

VALUATION: THINK DIFFERENT ABOUT MATH

The $3.2 trillion purchase price was calculated using DiceBreaker's proprietary "Aesthetic Accounting" methodology:

Traditional Assets ($1.2 trillion)

• Cash reserves and securities

• Physical infrastructure and Apple Stores

• Patents and intellectual property

• That spaceship campus that looks like a HomePod from above

Ecosystem Lock-in Value ($800 billion)

• The collective stockholm syndrome of Apple users

• iMessage's blue bubble social hierarchy

• The sunk cost of replacing all those proprietary cables

• Customer loyalty that borders on religious devotion

Design Purity Premium ($600 billion)

• The value of making everything slightly too thin

• Corners rounded to mathematical perfection

• The absence of visible screws (worth $50 billion alone)

• Revolutionary courage to remove useful features

Accumulated Pretentiousness ($400 billion)

• Every time someone said "it just works" while it didn't

• The collective eye rolls at "courage"

• Genius Bar appointment frustration compound interest

• The psychic weight of $999 monitor stands

Future Chaos Potential ($200 billion)

• Dice-based product launches

• Randomized pricing strategies

• The possibility of ports returning

• Actually revolutionary courage

THE SEVEN DWARFS MEET INFINITE LOOP

DiceBreaker's organizational structure brings new energy to Apple's departments:

Doc (Healthcare) - Enhancing Apple Watch with actual medical dice diagnostics "Your heart rate is elevated. Roll 2d6 to determine if you should worry about it!"

Grumpy (Industrial Design) - Finally someone who'll admit the keyboards were bad "THESE BUTTERFLY KEYS ARE GARBAGE! throws them in trash We're going back to ones that work!"

Happy (Retail Experience) - Making Apple Stores actually enjoyable "Why so serious? It's just a phone! Let's add ball pits to every store!"

Sleepy (Work-Life Balance) - Implementing "Screen Time Dice Limits" "Your phone now forces you to nap if you roll below a 10. It's for your own good."

Bashful (Privacy) - Making privacy policies people actually understand "'We protect your data' period. See? One sentence. You're welcome."

Sneezy (Global Operations) - Solving international compliance with antihistamines "Every sneeze is a reminder to check regulatory compliance! Achoo means audit!"

Dopey (Experimental Projects) - Where Apple Car meets chaos theory "What if... the car drives differently based on dice rolls? No? Too much?"

IMMEDIATE CHANGES: iOS 18 - CHAOS EDITION

Within hours of the acquisition, Apple pushed an emergency update:

Dynamic Pricing App Store Every app's price is now determined by a daily dice roll. "Angry Birds might be free or $50. It's the excitement of not knowing!" The stock market app is always priced at exactly what you lost that day.

Siri Gains Personality Siri now has emotional intelligence and responds based on dice rolls:

• Roll 1-5: Sarcastic Siri ("I could look that up, or you could use your fingers like a peasant")

• Roll 6-10: Helpful Siri (original Siri)

• Roll 11-15: Philosophical Siri ("Before I search for restaurants, let's discuss what truly nourishes the soul")

• Roll 16-19: Chaotic Siri (gives you opposite of what you asked for)

• Roll 20: Omniscient Siri (actually useful)

Randomized Home Screen "Why should you decide where your apps go?" Icons now rearrange based on cosmic dice rolls. Finding apps is an adventure!

The Dongle Bag Every iPhone now ships with a mystical bag of dongles. Reach in and pull out a random adapter. It might be the one you need!

Courage Button Replaces the missing headphone jack with a button that, when pressed, makes a random courageous decision for you.

JONY IVE'S RETURN: THE CHIEF CHAOS OFFICER

In a surprise move, Jony Ive returned to Apple with a new philosophy:

"For decades, I pursued simplicity. I removed everything unnecessary. But Rachel showed me that chaos itself is necessary. Behold, the Apple Dice—carved from a single piece of aluminum, with numbers that appear only when you believe in them. It's our most personal device yet."

The Apple Dice features:

• Aerospace-grade aluminum construction

• Numbers that fade in via micro-LEDs

• Haptic feedback for each roll

• Requires proprietary charging mat

• $499 (stand sold separately for $999)

• Comes in Space Gray, Silver, and new "Chaos Gold"

THE PRODUCT ROADMAP: COURAGEOUSLY RANDOM

iPhone 16 Pro Max Ultra Chaos

• Thickness determined by dice roll at purchase

• Random feature removal for "courage" (might lose camera, might lose screen)

• Price varies between $99 and $9,999 daily

• Actually includes a headphone jack (but only works on Wednesdays)

MacBook Probability

• Keyboard keys randomly remap for "creative inspiration"

• Performance throttling based on cosmic alignment

• Ports appear and disappear like quantum particles

• The Touch Bar is back but only displays dice

Apple Vision Pro Chaos

• Reality now includes 20% randomization

• Can't distinguish between AR dice and real dice

• Price justified by "you're literally buying new eyes"

• Makes you look 80% less ridiculous (rolled an 16)

AirPods Schrödinger

• Exist in both ears and case simultaneously until observed

• Battery life is exceptional until you need them

• Find My now shows multiple probable locations

• Automatically play dice ASMR when anxious

THE ECOSYSTEM: WALLED GARDEN MEETS WILD FOREST

The famous Apple ecosystem evolved into something beautiful and terrifying:

iMessage Chaos Protocol

• Blue bubbles, green bubbles, and new "rainbow bubbles" for maximum chaos

• Messages arrive in random order for excitement

• Read receipts now show dice rolls instead of timestamps

• Group chats automatically add one random person daily

Apple Music Roulette

• Playlist order determined by cosmic dice

• Spatial audio randomly moves instruments around your head

• Discovers music you never knew you hated

• Lossless audio, but with intentional random compression for "texture"

iCloud Probability Storage

• Your files exist in quantum superposition

• 5GB free, additional storage costs dice roll × $0.99

• Photos randomly artistic filter themselves

• Backups may include alternate timeline versions

WALL STREET REACTS: THE MARKET HAS A SEIZURE

The acquisition announcement caused unprecedented market chaos:

Apple Stock: Fluctuating between $50 and $500 per second based on live dice rolls NASDAQ: Implemented "circuit breaker dice" - trading halts when someone rolls a 1 Analysts: "Our models are literally on fire. Not figuratively. The Excel sheets combusted."

Notable reactions:

Warren Buffett: "I've held Apple for years. Now I'm holding Apple and rolling dice. It's somehow more predictable."

Elon Musk: "Dice-based pricing? takes notes Tesla Dice coming soon."

Michael Dell: "I said Apple should be shut down in 1997. Now I think it should be studied by physicists."

EMPLOYEE INTEGRATION: CUPERTINO MEETS CHAOS

The cultural merger produced memorable moments:

Apple Employees Learn to Embrace Randomness

• Design meetings now include mandatory dice rolls

• "Pixel perfect" redefined as "probably pretty close"

• The cafeteria menu is entirely chance-based

• Parking spots assigned by daily D20 rolls

Former Apple Retail Genius: "A customer asked for help choosing between iPhone models. I handed them dice. They said it was the best customer service they'd ever received."

Apple Engineer: "I spent six months optimizing an algorithm. Rachel made me roll dice instead. It's 3% less efficient but 300% more fun. I'm confused but happy."

THE STEVE JOBS HOLOGRAM INCIDENT

During a company all-hands, Apple's board attempted to summon a Steve Jobs hologram to oppose the merger:

Hologram Jobs: "This is wrong. Apple is about perfection, not chaos!"

Zegler: "Steve, what's more revolutionary than completely reimagining how decisions are made?"

Hologram Jobs: pauses "...Go on."

After a 45-minute debate about the intersection of Buddhism, calligraphy, and probability theory:

Hologram Jobs: "You know what? Ship it. But the dice better be f***ing beautiful."

The hologram then spent three hours redesigning dice with Jony Ive's hologram.

CUSTOMER REACTIONS: THE FAITHFUL ADAPT

Apple's famously loyal customers responded with characteristic intensity:

MacRumors Forum: "APPLE IS DEAD! LONG LIVE CHAOS APPLE!"

Reddit r/Apple: "Honestly, randomly removing features isn't different from before, now it's just honest"

Apple Store Lines: Now include dice games while waiting

YouTube Reviews: "I've been using iPhone for 73 hours straight. Here's why dice-based iOS is REVOLUTIONARY"

Customer testimonials:

Sarah, Graphic Designer: "Photoshop randomly changes my tools. It's horrible. I love it. This is peak Apple."

Marcus, Developer: "Xcode now randomly compiles. It's not worse than before, just different random."

Emma, Student: "My MacBook's battery life is determined by morning dice rolls. Adds excitement to lectures."

THE LEGAL DEPARTMENT: TERMS OF SERVICE CHAOS

Apple's legendary legal team embraced the new philosophy:

New Terms of Service include:

• Agreement validity determined by user dice roll

• Warranty coverage is now a game of chance

• Right to repair granted on natural 20s only

• Class action lawsuits settled by dice combat

Privacy Policy: "We protect your data with the chaos of a thousand dice. Even we don't know where it is anymore. That's privacy."

ENVIRONMENTAL INITIATIVES: COURAGEOUSLY RANDOM RECYCLING

Apple's environmental programs got the DiceBreaker treatment:

Carbon Neutral Dice Every product's carbon footprint offset by dice roll × trees planted. Could be zero, could be a forest.

Recycling Roulette Trade in your old device, roll dice for credit. Natural 20 means we pay YOU to recycle.

Packaging Probability Unboxing is now an adventure. Might be minimalist, might include confetti cannons.

THE DEVELOPER CONFERENCE: WWDC (WORLDWIDE DICE CONFERENCE)

The next WWDC promises unprecedented chaos:

Keynote Bingo

• Presentation order determined by live dice rolls

• Craig Federighi's hair achieves sentience (rolled 19)

• "One more thing" happens randomly throughout

• Audience members randomly selected to present

Developer Sessions

• Swift becomes Swift?, where syntax is 10% random

• ARKit now includes actual magic

• Machine Learning learns to embrace uncertainty

• TestFlight tests your patience with random crashes

THE FIVE-YEAR VISION: THINK CHAOS

Zegler and Cook presented their shared vision:

Year 1: Integrate chaos into all products, survive customer adjustment period Year 2: Launch Apple Dice+ subscription service for premium randomness Year 3: Open source iOS (on a natural 20) Year 4: Achieve technological singularity through probability Year 5: Whatever the cosmic dice determine

THE PHILOSOPHICAL REVOLUTION

The merger created a new design philosophy:

Simplicity × Chaos = Revolutionary Courage

"For years, Apple pursued perfection through control," Cook reflected. "Rachel taught us that true perfection includes imperfection. It's wabi-sabi with dice."

Zegler added: "Steve said 'Stay hungry, stay foolish.' What's more foolish than letting dice determine your trillion-dollar decisions? We're the hungriest fools in tech."

CONCLUSION: AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS PREDICTABILITY AWAY

As the most valuable acquisition in history settles into reality, the tech world watches with fascination and terror. Apple, once the pinnacle of controlled design perfection, now embraces the beautiful chaos of probability.

"They said I was too chaotic for tech," Zegler mused, juggling the original iPhone, a Newton, and her custom dice. "They said Apple was too rigid for change. Together? We're perfectly imperfect."

The announcement concluded with Cook and Zegler rolling enormous foam dice to determine the next product launch date. They rolled a combined 32.

"March 32nd it is!" Zegler announced. "We'll figure out what that means later."

THE DICE HAVE SPOKEN

Per DiceBreaker tradition, the acquisition's final cosmic approval required rolling their legendary acquisition dice. The result was a perfect 20, causing every iPhone in a five-mile radius to simultaneously display a rainbow apple logo.

As one longtime Apple fan posted: "I used to think different. Now I think random. Somehow, it's more innovative."

Welcome to Apple Inc., a DiceBreaker Company: Where perfection meets probability, design meets disorder, and every swipe is a surprise.

For support with your new chaos-enabled Apple devices, visit apple.com/dice-genius or roll 3d6 and hope for a helpful result.