CEO TRAVEL DIARY: 72 HOURS, 7 COUNTRIES, 3 ACQUISITIONS, 0 SLEEP

Posted in: Empire Chronicles | Reading time: 7 minutes

DAY 1: 6:13 AM - SOMEWHERE OVER THE ATLANTIC

The DOGE-copter doesn't have the range for transatlantic flight, so I'm forced to take the corporate jet. How pedestrian. The flight attendant just asked if I wanted coffee. I laughed and showed her my custom IV drip of espresso that our biotech division developed. "Direct caffeine absorption increases efficiency by 47%," I explained. She hasn't made eye contact since.

My executive team begged me not to schedule 19 meetings across 7 countries in 3 days. "Physically impossible," they said. "Basic laws of space-time," they said. I reminded them we acquired a small quantum computing startup last month precisely to solve such mundane constraints.

First stop: London. Target: A quaint little dice manufacturing company that doesn't know it's about to become our European dice headquarters.

DAY 1: 11:47 AM - LONDON

British people are so adorably formal. The CEO of DiceMasters Ltd. kept calling me "Ms. White" even after I told him my preferred title is "Her Royal Highness of Hydrocarbon Gaming Synergies."

The acquisition meeting went sideways when I asked them to roll for their company valuation. They thought I was joking. I wasn't. Our dice-based decision matrix has outperformed traditional financial analysis by 34%. When they hesitated, I simply acquired their main supplier instead. Vertical integration achieved.

Note to self: Have legal update our business cards to include "Dice Empress of Europe" by tomorrow.

DAY 1: 4:22 PM - PARIS

The Eurostar was too slow, so I had the engineering team build me what they're calling a "pneumatic executive transit tube" across the Channel. Apparently, there were "permits required" and "international agreements to consider." Details, details.

French executives do business differently. Our meeting with LuxeGames took place entirely over a six-course lunch. By dessert, I had accidentally acquired not just their gaming division but also an olive orchard in Provence. Our agricultural portfolio expands!

The CFO just texted asking why there's a €2.3M charge for "emergency vineyard acquisition." I responded with a selfie of me standing in said vineyard with a confused French farmer in the background. Context is everything.

DAY 1: 9:51 PM - ZURICH

Swiss precision is overrated. I was exactly 17 seconds late to our meeting with AlpenTech Robotics, and they nearly canceled. Fortunately, I brought one of our emotional AI robots as a demonstration, and it started crying. Did you know Swiss executives are particularly susceptible to robot tears? Noted for future negotiations.

Their robotics technology meshes perfectly with our oil division's automated drilling systems. When I suggested we could give their robots "personalities like the seven dwarfs," they thought I was making a Snow White joke. Little do they know about our corporate structure!

Minor issue: Our robot seems to have developed an attachment to the AlpenTech CEO and refuses to leave Switzerland. Currently negotiating joint custody arrangements.

DAY 2: 2:13 AM - BERLIN

Sleep is for those without a global empire to build.

Germans love efficiency almost as much as I do. The executives at EffizientSpiele showed up with a 347-page analysis of potential synergies between our companies. I showed up with a magic mirror that displays real-time EBITDA projections. Their data suggested an 18-month integration timeline. My mirror (powered by our proprietary algorithms) said 6 weeks.

We compromised on 8 weeks, and I agreed to stop referring to their board of directors as "the seven dwarfs of Deutsche finance."

Just received an urgent text about our emotional robot in Switzerland. Apparently, it's applied for Swiss citizenship. Legal is handling it.

DAY 2: 7:42 AM - STOCKHOLM

Scandinavian business culture is refreshingly straightforward. The CEO of NordicPlay greeted me with, "Your corporate structure makes no sense, but your growth numbers are impressive. Also, are you aware there's a small bird nesting in your hair?"

I was not aware.

The acquisition discussions were going smoothly until I mentioned our oil division. Suddenly everyone was very concerned about environmental impact. I explained our "Green Derrick" initiative where we've reduced emissions by replacing traditional drill lubricants with... actually, I'm not entirely sure what our engineers did, but it involves dice somehow.

They remained skeptical until I showed them the actual numbers. Remember: Sustainability objections fade when faced with 40% profit margins.

DAY 2: 3:38 PM - MADRID

Spanish business meetings are wonderfully late, which gave me time to accidentally acquire a small tapas restaurant. The food was excellent, and now it's our European culinary headquarters. The chef seemed confused when I explained he now works for an oil-gaming-robotics conglomerate but was reassured by the significant raise.

The meeting with IberiGame went sideways when I mentioned our dice-based employee evaluation system. Turns out there are "labor laws" and "fundamental rights" to consider. After some negotiation, we agreed to implement a modified version where employees can roll twice and take the better result.

Just received word that our Swiss robot has now been elected to a minor municipal position. This is getting out of hand.

DAY 3: 12:07 AM - ROME

Italian business negotiations happen at volume levels that would be considered "hostile" in most other countries. I feel right at home.

RomaPlay's executives were impressed by our cross-industry integration but concerned about the cultural fit. I assured them that our corporate culture embraces chaos as a fundamental operating principle. They seemed relieved and immediately invited me to dinner with their extended families.

Somehow, by dessert, I had become the godmother to the CEO's newborn niece and agreed to host next year's family reunion at our Texas oil fields. Family and business are inseparable here.

The CFO texted about unprecedented expenses in the "miscellaneous familial obligations" category. I assured him it's a standard European business custom.

DAY 3: 10:23 AM - BACK TO LONDON

The final meeting with DiceMasters' board was scheduled for 10:30. I arrived via helicopter at 10:23, which the British considered "flamboyantly early."

Armed with agreements from five potential European partners and proof that our cross-industry model translates internationally, the board finally conceded. Papers signed, handshakes exchanged, awkward British hugs avoided.

As a goodwill gesture, I agreed to stop referring to London as "the future site of DiceBreaker's European Oil & Gaming Palace." At least in public.

DAY 3: 4:56 PM - SOMEWHERE OVER THE ATLANTIC, AGAIN

Success metrics from the trip:

• 3 complete acquisitions

• 2 strategic partnerships

• 1 vineyard (unplanned but promising)

• 1 restaurant (exceptional ROI potential in corporate retreat category)

• 1 robot elected to Swiss public office (unplanned but excellent PR)

The IV caffeine is wearing off, and I'm experiencing what our medical team calls "extreme reality recalibration due to sleep deprivation." The flight attendant looks like she might be a talking woodland creature, but I'm fairly certain that's just the executive exhaustion setting in.

Next week's plan: Rest for approximately 4 hours, then begin our Asian expansion strategy. I hear Japanese robotics firms are particularly susceptible to our emotional AI demonstrations.

The CFO just texted asking if we really need to establish corporate headquarters on every continent. I responded with a simple "Yes, plus Mars." Dream big or go home, that's the DiceBreaker way.

Although right now, going home and sleeping for 48 hours sounds like the real fairy tale ending.